It's just...how do we know what the truth is? The ultimate truth? Is there an ultimate truth?
Let's back up a bit. I've always been an open minded person. I've grown up with two mommies, I was raised pagan for the first ten years of my life...just these two factors have exposed me to a different world than the one I live in now. And that's good. I kind of miss that little world in coos bay. I'm sure it's here in Eugene, too, but I liked going to pagans in the park with my mom when I was younger and, later in life, going to Unity (supposedly christian but derives services from all faiths) and my parents getting married in that church. It's amazing - I wish I could go to Unity every sunday there.
Fast forward to now, where I attend a foursquare church with Kathy Alden (the woman that I met in the hospital with the same type of leukemia as me) and her husband.I go partly to humor her, and partly for myself. I like the services okay, the people are wonderful, the music is freaking awesome, and sometimes your heart just needs stuff like that.
But at the same time, I kind of feel as if it is warping my brain. I despise the idea of going on missions and travelling to teach christianity. I am sure that locals/natives are just fine with their own god(s), thankyouverymuch. I'm sure that Jesus Christ existed, and I'm sure he was a kick ass enlightened man. But what the crap? He wasn't any better than, say, Siddhartha (Buddha) or today's Dalai Lama.
And some of the things, I just don't believe in. "Do this, and you'll be saved." "Sit on this rock at 4:03 AM on a monday morning and you will have salvation." It's crap. And further more, the original bible has a) been translated so many times that it probably is way off from the original transcript anyway, and b)is most likely a bunch of propaganda and created specifically to use common folk as puppets for the catholic church...
And what exactly is God anyway? It's ridiculous to assume there is an old man guiding the heavens in a big fucking chair. I don't know, I'm just beginning to question everything. And that's good, right? It means I'm asking questions. It's just - I don't believe half the things that the foursquare church believe, and yet I am a deeply spiritual person. Andy once told me that I should be Jewish. Maybe this sounds crazy, but I kind of see "God" as a fancy word for subconscious, higher-powerness. Huh. And what the crap does that mean anyway?
I don't know. Any comments, guys and gals? Totally open. Just don't rip me a new one.