Knowing you have feelings but being unable to express them in the english language- or any language, for that matter. I don't think Swahili or Afrikaans would help me any more than English to express my sentiments.
So I will leave it to Anthony Munoz, Brandon Sause, Ethan Nicolle, and Zac, Taylor, and Issac Hanson (And maybe even Roger Waters):
"I don't feel myself today"
"The pain is all that's real"
"Things keep coming and I keep wondering"
"all the fighting, the bleeding, the domestic beatings...all the miguided actus of everyone around us me not excluded I might be the worst making myself sick every moment I breath/ All the corruption, the hate and the things I despis/ All the people who hate us and the way they tell lies..."
"And who knows which is which and who is who. "
"Down and out/It can't be helped but there's a lot of it about. "
I'm having those melancholy bouts. Not depression, just "what the hell am I doing with my life?" I stood in my doorway listening to Sarah's Tom Petty CD smoking one of my herbal cigs that I RARELY smoke (like, less than once a month) experiencing the sky at dusk and I just wondered to myself (before the hot boys down below had a chance to hit me up with small talk), "what the fuck am I doing? Am I doing the right thing, staying in school?" And then I had a small fight with myself,
"Why don't I just drop out of school and join the workforce?"
"Why the hell would you want to do that? Isn't the uneducated workforce everything that you are against and violently opposed to?"
"Well, yeah, but I seem to be doing nothing at this point but squandering my education and financial aide on dr's bills. What the hell?"
"Well, you are 'squandering your education' to rise above the uneducated workforce and do something useful one day. You just wait..."
or something to that effect.
And something great happened at APO tonight. My orchid was pretty much this:
"Orchids to going home this weekend and giving a wal mart associate a run for his money while I made him chase me all over the store on a bike" Now I am amused. I even got two orchids from other people who liked it so much.