amelia (mmmbopthis) wrote,

I hate school and want to die

Like the title says, I hate school and want to die. I want to crawl in a hole and die. I feel so inadequate and undeserving. I don't deserve Paul at all. I don't understand how someone like him could love someone like me. And this whole school thing...I hate it. I want it to be over. But, honestly, what am I going to do? Move back to coos bay? No, I refuse. I just...I am used to everything coming naturally to me and now that it isn't, I know that I just need to pick myself up off the ground, dust me off, know that god and my friends are there for me, and get right back on track. I just hate it. And I am so alone here. Of course I have all my friends and my wonderful Paul, but that just isn't the same as having a girl here from back home. I never see Jen...

I mean, Logan and Naima have eachother. And who do I have? No one. It used to be Andrea, but she lived with Jen anyway. I just feel so alone. I miss Jess and Sarah and Doris. And they are all doing their own things and here I am wanting them here with me to laugh with and live with and just generally not be alone. It isn't the same, even though I have those few friends here who actually care and everything...

and school...the best thing I can say about it today is that I have some sense of direction. A woman came into my arch class this morning and talked about some class combo for teachers in training kind of thing and, while the classes themselves are boring, it is something that needs to be done. And in the end, it will all be good. But I feel like I am a failure. I mean, I don't even know if I can be an RA next year. I don't want to go into complications - long story...

I just hate everything. I am such a failure. I don't even remember the last time I wasn't on my period and an emotional train wreck. I know it is just the combo of my body expelling the hormones from the horrible patch and this dumb dumb period...which makes it a sliver more bearable, but still. The emotions are still real and that's the thing that sucks. So many more people deserve to live my life rather than me. Like Robert...:-(

Oh, god...moving back to coos bay sure seems bearable to another year like this. I can't let myself do that. I am so torn up. Not that anyone would let me have a choice. Not going to college just seems like the easy way out. I can totally see myself going to real estate school instead of college and fucking working with my parents. And just taking the totally easy way out.

It doesn't help that everyone else is bitchy right now too and they are all really self centered. Or maybe that is just normal, oh, that's right...

and then naimed meowed really loud in class and all was well...

How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man?
Yes, 'n' how many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?
Yes, 'n' how many times must the cannon balls fly
Before they're forever banned?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

How many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?
Yes, 'n' how many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry?
Yes, 'n' how many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

How many years can a mountain exist
Before it's washed to the sea?
Yes, 'n' how many years can some people exist
Before they're allowed to be free?
Yes, 'n' how many times can a man turn his head,
Pretending he just doesn't see?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

and here is my new fave song by bob dylan. I love it
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