amelia (mmmbopthis) wrote,

I had a Carrie Bradshaw moment last night, which might have been brought on by the season of Sex and the City that I just bought. *shrugs* a small freak out when I realized that something that happened to me might not be common knowledge, or is it? One of those old/current clashes where I sincerely could go my entire life without talking to the old and hope that the current knows that. Think Big/Aiden (halfway through season 4, so it's relevant). And if you're reading this (most likely), you're not the old. I don't post in his territory, he doesn't post in mine. Methinks.

I'm getting really frustrated with parts of my life, mostly because I can't control them. It's hard when you want something, but it becomes abundantly clear that that will not happen for a long time, mostly due to circumstances that I can't control. And that's the fucking worst. When you can't even control your own life, the direction that it's going in. I feel like a marionette of OHSU, doing whatever the fuck they want so they can "fix" me. *shakes head* I've been avoiding actually doing what I need to do to have my second transplant because I don't want to do it. Even though it's not one of those things that if I ignore, it'll go away.

Being powerless is the second worst feeling in the world. The first is not being special to anyone.[Edit: which totally doesn't mean anything relavant to my life right now. I have a WONDERFUL boy and I had written once that "the worst feeling in the world is not being wanted." That is all.]

Last night, Friday the 13th caught up with us. We were going to go to victoriouslimp's comedy show, but apparently it wasn't going to happen (was I reading your post wrong?) then, we were going to go to a movie, but there were none starting at the time we wanted. So we were going to rent a season from Big City Gamin', but they were closed by eight (new hours?!) then we finally went to Freddie's and bought SatC. Fuckin' A, the world finally gave us a big shitty dose of full moonism.

I really don't mean for my posts to turn into big shitballs, this just happens when I'm going through chemo week. I'll be done soon, I promise.
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