amelia (mmmbopthis) wrote,
amelia
mmmbopthis

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Wanna know why I have issues?

How is it that one person can have so much pent up passive aggression towards one half of thier biological set of parents? Just to warn all of you, this is just a little venting and I don't care what you all think of me, it is just cheaper to vent on the internet than actually go to a shrink and get all this told to me and pay oodles of money for conclusions I can...conclude...on my own.

Anyway, it isn't like my father did anything to me. Actually, he never did anything at all. I visited him rarely and he didn't have any intention of playing th fatherly figure in my life till I became the ripe old age of 16 when I could actually have intelligent conversations with him. At which point he decided on his own that he would call me every week regardless of the fact that it was neither required nor desired on my behalf. Even further, he tried to become a father even more by personally requesting Curtis's number to reim his ass after the car accident, and when I went to Montana with three twenty something boys he demanded the cell phone numbers of all the guys I went with, even though I was 18 and he couldn't do anything about it anyway, he was living in another state, anyway.

I understand now why I have issues with boys. I now understand why for so long I desired an asshole to be with. Because they gave me attention till they had me hooked and then let me go like yesterday's meat. I now understand why I desired to be praised, loved, petted, and over all adored by the male species. Because I never got that in a male father figure when I was growing up. Of course everyone wants that from a significant other, I just understand now why I have always desired someone who was controlling and overbearing and someone who always made the decisions for me. Because I never had a male do that for me before. And I know that girls think about their weddings a lot, but I understand now why I wanted so badly to get married to the first guy that actually might have asked me. Because I would have been with a paternal ass hole for a long time, being secure with a man that represents my father. No wonder most of the guys that I have gone after are a lot like my father. Yay for Freud.

Anyway, now that I am in a semi-secure perhaps long lasting relationship with a loving wonderful boyfriend, I can see it all. Not that I don't have insecurities in this one, I can see a lot of this for the simple fact that I haven't gone after a father type figure (well, my father at least)this time and I know that it is different than what I thought was "love". There are still elements of things that are definately insecurities from my whole father bit, but I know that things are different this time and I know that I am in good hands. I feel so safe around him...

This isn't meant to be mean, rude, or a pity-me entry, I just had to vent. So take it as you like.
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