September 16th, 2006

intergalactic samurai

19 and all that jazz.

I've just gotten a nice dose of morphine. Not that that makes what I'm about to write any less valid or whatnot since I jotted down earlier what I wanted to write about. So there.

I was talking with Phyllis, the psychiatric nurse who makes her rounds and comes to visit me sometimes today and what she said really put the last few months in perspective.

In the beginning, I was just pissed that I was out of remission. I didn't want to do a month in the hospital that WASN'T the stem cell transplant already planned for late summer. Typical 22 year old, stingy with her time, especially summer. Not that I didn't have a fucking KICK ASS summer with the time I had, but I, of course, wanted more. more more more. A little Veruca Salt-ish, don't you think?

And then the chemo didn't work. And I was devastated, but knew we had other options. And then I had the nasal infection in my nose. A nasty case of Aspergillis that required three surgeries just to make sure everything was okay.

What Phyllis mentioned kind of brought me back to reality. By the time I was released, I was pissed and thought that I had "wasted" a month in the hospital, because I still had leukemia. But she told me that I'm lucky to be alive because in the state that my counts were in, I had a 50% chance of survival. I'm assuming she talked to doctors and nurses alike because she told me directly that "no-one really expected you to recover." I just kind of sat there, shocked. When they released me, they expected me to be out for at least a month - that's how much Caspofungen (the IV drug that the at-home nurse came to set me up with) I was ordered.

And now, here I am, preliminary results showing NO leukemia and a final report of allllll better in my nose (except I have a nasty post nasal drip now) and I'm on my way to transplant! And, for the first time in a very long time, my hemoglobin (read: Red Blood Cells) went up! My counts are starting to recover!

So, I'm halfway through my complete amount of estimated hospital time. Most likely about two more weeks for my counts to recover, and then transplant, with MAYBE a few days out in between.

As for the famed hair loss, I'm not quite sure what to think: while the hair on my head is coming out in droves now and when it gets WAY too thin, I'll shave it (for the time being, when not wearing one of my fabulous wigs, I can wear a bandana and just have some cute bangs), the rest of my hair is being extremely resilient. Arm hair: still there and holding strong. I even tried to pull one out and it hurt. Eyelashes: on the fence, some fell out a few days ago, but not today. Eyebrows: well, they were still growing recently, since I had to pluck them yesterday, and half of them came right out and half of them hurt like a bitch (you know, the usual pluck) so now I have no idea. Leg hair: it can't decide whether to grow or fall out. meh. OTHER: well, I won't need a brazilian any time soon (not that I've ever gotten one or will in the future).

So that was long and introspective and I had more to say, but a) that's enough rambling for a saturday night, and b) I'm tiiiiiired. The end.
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