August 15th, 2006

amelia coast

Day 27

I feel just good enough to wander aimlessly through the halls, pace my room, and scream at CT techs to get me the hell out of the CT scanner. Just good enough to freak myself the hell out all the time. I feel like a constant anxiety attack.

I haven't seen Andy since Saturday. Everything happened so fast that day. In the morning they were just checking out my nose and by 9 pm that night I was having my first surgery.

Today is his birthday, and I tried to do something fun for him. It's lame. It's something though. I've been trying to keep myself occupied, knowing that he'll be here once he gets off work, that everything will work out.

But I'm still freakin' myself out.

They apparently did find something in my nose though. Nose Monkey was just doing his job. A mild case of Aspergillis. Whatever the fuck that is. The point is, if I can't get it under control, it could spread to my brain. That makes me nervous.

They want to do another surgery in a week if it gets worse.

And then they want to let me go home for a few days. I don't know when that will be, but I will still have to come back for more chemo. And then the transplant.

I'm losing my faith in myself.