February 13th, 2006

amelia coast


I've been trying to update multiple times today...and every time I try I just get frustrated.

Mostly I'm just disappointed at the world. I feel like when I try to communicate with others, word vomit tumbles out of my mouth and people get mad at me.

I don't like who I am right now. I say things I don't mean and I commit to things I can't commit to. I feel like I'm only truthful to one person, and even that is stupid considering what word vomit tumbled out of my mouth this weekend. Something that should have been made aware a long time ago.

I felt incredibly ashamed. Like I'd been hiding something. I didn't mean to, it was more a thing of shame than a thing of guilt. For things to head in the direction that I (or we?) want them to I need to fucking get with it. Be the woman I'm supposed to be.

I feel like for every step forward I make, I take two back. Like there's some evil slightly-off kilter equilibrium at force in my life. And most of them are a result of personal choices. Mostly I just feel like limiting interactions with people who I upset. This would halt further destruction to a fragile institution.

Along with that...I feel I let down my mom, which is stupid because what I told her shouldn't have let her down. She should be excited for me. Happy and cautious, like moms are rumored to be when told this. I shouldn't have been scolded. I know she's looking out for my best interest...but sometimes in my position I feel like a five year old, like i have to ask permission for everything, even when dealing with my future.

Mostly everything can be boiled down to the fact that I'm a fucking stubborn, spoiled only child.