October 25th, 2004

amelia coast

(no subject)

I suppose I'm only now beginning to see the larger picture. The things that have started to surface in my life to shape what I have been, what I am, and what I am to become.

Lately I've been having these weird deja vu moments. They last only a few seconds each time, but long enough for me to experience them cognicently (sp?) It's like, I'm there, but I'm not. A dream? Reality? A memory just barely in my grasp? I don't know...it happens in the most unlikely of places, at work, in yoga...I don't really understand it. I wish I could hold onto that sensation and just embrace it and bask in the glory of an altered reality for just a few more seconds. Anyone ever done whippits? It's kind of like that, but not as intense.

Anyway, not that those two paragraphs are connected in any way shape or form, but they were the first two coherent thoughts to escape my cluttered yet empty brain...(WTF? Why am I so eloquent today?)

I suppose I should be grateful for this downtime that life is throwing me at the moment. Thankful that I will never spend another night (if I can help it) clutching my teddy bear in a hospital bed (It's hard to even sleep with that bear now - somehow, the memory of sleeping with that particular bear - the one my mom gave me in the hospital that I would take with me whenever I stayed overnight - makes me feel like I'm once again in that bed hooked up to the chemo pulsing through my body). I won't be losing my hair again, I won't have to wonder if I will "make it", desperately trying to beat the odds. Yes, I'm still in a crucial stage, but the intensity of my situation has somewhat lessened and now I can take it upon myself to relax somewhat. I'm okay. I've made it. Just like Gloria Gaynor, I will survive. And that is the happiest I have been all day, just knowing that life, the powers that be, or god or whatever, have closed a chapter to my life, locked it, and so help me, thrown away the key. I have a second lease on life. And knowing that I have some downtime, the "calm before the storm", if you will, helps me. It better be a good storm.

(PS: sorry for the double update today. Just that kind of day).