I fucking hate it. All of this. Mayhap I've finally come to terms with my friends dying. I'm used to it by now. The pain has left and all there is is an empty, broken amelia wasting her life away. The life that is so precious. The life that I kept when others didn't.
Or maybe it's because I'm an awful mess when I cry. Not only because most people are awful messes when they cry, but because I'm fucking sick as a dog and it hurts to cry. It hurts to not cry. It fucking hurts.
I try to make sense of all this nonsense. Trying to justify it. To make myself feel the pain. Who's pain? Lloyd's? Kenzie? Tyee and Lakota? I didn't even get to say goodbye to Tyee. Her son. He called me to inform me of the arrangements. I didn't even get to talk to him today.
And through all this I feel like I'm pushing my friends away. Everyone. I'm sorry. I'm just so fucked up, trying to make sense of this awful pit in my stomach. In my head. Trying to not hurt. Lessen the pain. Or make myself actually feel the pain. To feel something. Anything. Or maybe I feel too much.
And now that I've pushed all my friends away, I've no one to turn to. I'd call him if I thought I'd be able to choke out enough words without the phrase "I'm sorry" in there. I'm not sorry you insulted me. I'm not sorry you came off as an asshole. I'm not sorry that for the last two years you've denied me any glimpse into the real you. I'm not sorry that I'm afraid I'll never feel the way I do when I'm with you.
I feel broken.
kaz and I, last year