amelia (mmmbopthis) wrote,

sober logic musings

Wow, I have been thinking about a lot of things lately. I had that big discussion with Triston earlier tonight. That hurt a lot, but at the same time, I realize that he is just trying to learn and he didn't mean to offend me. He seems a lot like chance, I guess it's that whole old school punk rock thing going on. But that, inandofitsself, is a total lie to me, is it just me? I mean, you spend an hour and a half on your 'hawk to not care what others think of you? Why not just fucking be yourself? (Haha, I just almost wrote yourelf, and then I thought, no, how about yourhobbit. haha).

I don't know what my deal is lately, but I have been really moody. I don't know. I don't know if it is school, Colin (or the lack thereof), my parents...or just my stupid head. I have been taking things way too personal, and then I think that people hate me and are just fucking rude, but then I have to step back and realize that that isn't the truth, that the fact of the matter is that everyone has to dick around every once in a while and that it keeps us sane. And it is driving me crazy, but I do it too. And then I feel bad. Because that makes me a hippocrite.

I think my friend Sarah here at school has an eating disorder. She is so rad. Her and Ashli and Colin and I got drunk last night, and we all had a cute little bonding thing going on. And Sarah pretty much admitted it that she has a disorder. I want to help her so badly, I can see it in her the way she talks about food and we went to go try on dresses today for the band banquet next week, and she was all bony. I know what that is like, I have been there and fought with my body about what to do. I went from 150 to 115 in five months. It is a scary thing. Ana is bad(Ana = anorexia). It doesn't ever go away. It is a fight with your body every day. Especially at the weakest point. Ana is something that you can control, as opposed to the chaos of the rest of your life. I KNOW this. I have been there. And I want to help her. We talked a little bit today when we were sober, but I don't know exactly what to do. She doesn't eat animal products at ALL, which is really hard to help her eat, then.

She wants me to live in a house here in Eugene with her next year. I don't know about that, I kind of wanted to do the whole RA thing next year.

Thinking a lot about Robert. Hot damn, when do I not think of him? I often wonder how life would unfold if I could give my life so he could live instead of me. I mean, he was wonderful. In a fully platonic way. The anniversary of his death is next month. Just remembering him in his casket...all banged up...there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him.

We saw the coolest thing today. Nature at work. A huge crow was rooting around in the dirt near one of the buildings on campus today on the way back from shopping, and it pulled up the hugest fucking worm I have EVER seen. And then the crow tortured the worm until it stopped wiggling and then it began to eat it. It wasn't so much the gore that was rad so much as it was cool to watch nature playing and the web of life, so to speak.

I am sooo in love with Dispatch. The only way I can explain them is feel good music. Maybe kinda like the calling only better. haha
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