amelia (mmmbopthis) wrote,

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Holy crap that was hard! A whole day! I contemplated cheating and writing this at 11 and then posting it as a private, but that would be, well, cheating. So here I am at 7 am.

Why is it that everyone you know has to freaking rub it in your face that you've had an illness lately? It seems that I can't go anywhere (and speshope and little_s42 can attest to this) without seeing people I know. It wouldn't be that bad, but bad news spreads faster than wildfire in a small town. I can't go anywhere without people asking me how my cancer is. I mean, it's nice that they're checking up on my and all that, but seriously, what do I say? "Oh, it's just hanging out, doing well thanks, I'll give it your regards"? I mean, seriously people, I'll start carrying around a bucket of salt so that you can just rub it in my psychi's open wounds whenever you please. And the one thing worse than that damned, "so, how are you really" question (to which I would so be delighted in answering "well, I feel like shit, I was just lying to make me feel better, thanks" - although I don't feel like shit, bring me the salt thanks) is that fucking "so what's that on your neck?" question. Do you really think that I would be seen wearing low necklines if I had a hicky on my fucking neck? Honestly, sir, my love life is none of your concern and I can think of about a bajillion different places that I, as a full consenting adult, would have a man kiss me other than my neck. So bugger off. It's a scar. Bring the salt, my psychi hasn't been damaged enough.

watched De-Lovely last night. It was kind of de-sad and really de-long. I mean, two de-hours. Sarah and I decided that we de-wanted to live in a de-musical. It would be de-riffic, really. I want to de-serenade my potential d'employer.

No really, it was really sad. We had like a sad movie watching night, with Trainspotting and De-Lovely back to back.

Today I go back to De Eugene. I dunno, I guess I have mixed feelings about it. I can't hang around this joint all the time and I know that I gotta go back sometime and I know that my heart lies there, but I'm gonna fucking miss sarah and not worrying about myself, as my parents do it for me. So maybe I don't get along with kym but there's definately a sense of security that you have with living with your parents. I love being independent, but it's nice to be cared about and watched over by someone else. And this is the longest amount of time I've spent here at home since I left college...and that's weird in and of itself. For the first time in a long time I'm happy by myself, I'm okay with coos bay. I'm okay with being alone. I'm okay with things.

Something I noticed yesterday that I wanted to just freaking throw myself a party: my chemo brain is dissipating. I'm not searching for words as hard any more, they're coming right to me. Fuck, dude, this is awesome. It's finally going away. Moreover, I don't need as much coffee in the morning any more, I think my hemoglobin (or as suz and I decided, blood goblin) is going up, which means my counts are going up I think which means yay! I can feel me getting better! Tomorrow I'll know for certain though.

gotta pack. au revoir!
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