amelia (mmmbopthis) wrote,

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I had this really emo post planned about why the fuck can't things ever be easy, why can't I get a break in this world, why can't I ever get what I want, you know? Why's life gotta be so fucking hard?

And then I woke up to the most beautiful thing written by john. And everything slipped right away. I've learned to become somewhat guarded with my life, and maybe that has changed too over this year.

I feel like I've changed, somewhat for the better, and some things I want back. I know that sounds funny. I was doing really good at curbing those frustration bouts, but I got a severe one last night. It's not a panic or anxiety attack, it's like I want to scream at something. Granted, about 80 things happened in the same two minutes last night that I was allowed to feel like I was going crazy, but I hate it. I spent a lot of time this past year in solitary, so it feels like such a chore to go out, and I hate it. I'm normally a very happy, very feisty, very social person (granted, my friends think I have the ability to control my temper as much as a carrot's got the ability to control turning orange, but that's different, I suppose, or maybe not?)

But in reality, I've got a good life and frustration is a burp in the digestive system of my life. I can't help if I'm a posting whore, I don't have much else to do and there's been a lot of things going on lately anyway.

It's hard to think that something like this is really happening. I think I've got a lot of misconceptions of myself to work though, but it all just feels so right. How can something possibly be wrong if it all feels so right? I'm damn lucky, that's all I know. And I have people who appreciate what's going on and understand what I'm going through. Thank you.
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