amelia (mmmbopthis) wrote,

Jessica emailed me today. It hurt like hell to read what she had to say but she contacted me. At least things are moving in the right direction.

Yesterday...oh, god. Yesterday. Ended up not going to class at all, which was kind of stupid. I'm also not going to this class either. I mean, seriously, I can't really take time off and go home or anything, so I might as well just take some me time. I was advised to take the rest of the year off and go home - obviously one doesn't know how much school and my current life mean to me. I'm busy, and I hate it but I love it at the same time.

You know when you have a bad day, everything seems to go wrong? Most things went wrong yesterday, but it was good to just hang out for a couple hours. I know he's got a lot on his mind as well, but just knowing that someone was there to snuggle me and comfort me was, well...comforting. And I would have called naima or something to come over and stay there till I fell asleep or something...does that sound dumb? Instead, I talked to Tom and that was good because it's always good to talk to him. :-)

And you know when you have to put on a happy face even when you don't want to and you just forget that you're sad? That, surprisingly, happened at work this morning. It felt good. I left work frazzled but in an infinately better mood than when I got there at 6:15 am.

I think things are slowly getting better. I mean...couldn't get much worse, right? Andrea mentioned that shitty things inevitabley happen in groups of three. And this, well, I kicked it's ass.

And my counts are up. I'm scared - angie dying of a stroke because her platelets are low makes me nervous. I mean, hers were extremely low, but now I'm my platelets' biggest fan: "go platelets, go!!!"

And I guess something else good happened at work. Okay, not really good, but rather a symbol of goodness. My hair is getting so long that I now have to wear a hairnet. So, good, not so good...whatever.

I sound like I have so many problems. I guess it's just one problem that I conquered and kicked it's cancerous ASS and now there are all these minor problems that are surfacing. I know...but you know what? Fuck that. Fuck it that I feel guilty to be alive. Fuck everything. I'm alive. The school hasn't kicked me out yet. I have a good life, no matter what funk I get into. I have my health and most of my friends.
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