Have you ever seen something and known it would never be you but yet you wanted it just the same? I'm not talking clothing. I'm talking things in your life, things that you know may never happen. Things that you want but can never have. Situations that just don't fit in with what you want your life to become.
I look at them, so happy, so content to be having a child out of wedlock. They embrace eachother as naturally as fish swim in the sea. His eyes are so warm and full of welcome whereas before it was all about getting high or drunk when I knew him. He belongs to her now.
She wears a white simple bell sleeved hippy-inspired shirt, which looks homesewn. Maybe it was her mother's when she was pregnant. He gave me two hugs today - I love his family. They are wonderful and she could be my third mom.
I look at them, wondering if that will ever be me. If I will ever be content to settle down with a boy and okay with having a baby out of wedlock. Doc says I will most likely be able to have kids. It makes me happy. But it doesn't change the fact that I was the only one there today my age who didn't have a significant other there. Even Jackson and Melissa Ayers were there together (of course, I think he can do much better), but it's this huge lead weight hanging on my heart that maybe that will never be me.
It's not that I want to be in a committed relationship expecting a child right now. It's that I just don't think it will EVER happen. I will become the Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City) of the Archaeology community. Ugh. I'm awful...