amelia (mmmbopthis) wrote,
amelia
mmmbopthis

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Listening to inspiring music (Gladiator Soundtrack) and loving my life...except for

I have a bone marrow biopsy on friday. Because my counts aren't high enough and I am worried that I have already slipped out of remission. Which I don't know what I would do. Another round of inpatient chemo? Be considered "terminal"? I really do love my life. And if I have a calling somewhere else in life (or...death...) then sobeit. But I have so much that I want to get done in life first. I really hope that my counts are low because of the last round of chemo and it's everlasting effects. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. For those of you who don't know and don't care, this will be my third biopsy. And they are the most uncomforable experience I have ever had. Double that. And then add one more for friday. Seriously. Not the SAT's. Not an embarrassing bodily function in a large group of people. Not having your heart broken not once but twice. Not your mom making you wear hidous clothing when you are younger. NOTHING compares to the amount of discomfort one single giant fucking needle delivers in your arse.

Wish me luck. /rant

Well, that uncharacteristic thing that I did? Didn't go over too well. Suffice to say it is over and I am none the wiser because of it. Oh, well. I am slowly realizing that I do not need a person constantly at my side. I am a big girl.

It's amazing the clarity of which I can see everything these days. I feel like I have become a different person, but stayed the same. I see things, things which people usually (or perhaps just I, in the past) have looked over to try to see the greater picture. But this one is pretty too.

I like that i have also become an avid reader. Maybe it's the damn leukemia thing, keeping me down (I will try not to think about it too much though, because stress DOES make one go out of remission). And I have been constantly trying to find a balance between too much running around and running my nose into the ground and laying around reading all day. But really, is it bad for me to work out? To walk around and go shopping and do normal people things? I am not neutropenic yet, and so help me God if I can't go home this weekend. Hell hath no fury like Amelia scored. Especially since my freaking spring break was spent in that damned hospital (which of course, it is far from damned because not only a) is it a hospital, but it's b) a catholic hospital). Sarah, Andrea, Beth, and DDR, here I come!

I met with the Mikes today for a tpt section leader meeting, and it was good. There will be NO dogging on Todd this year. Ooooh-kaaaay...*pout* and then I went to the APO meeting. Conveniently, it was the meeting where they decide what pledges they will take, and tomorrow night is the official induction thingy (FYI: Alphi Phi Omega is a co-ed community service frat. It is NOTHING like most greek houses. Freakin' A, they don't even HAVE a house. Well, most of them spent last year's friday nights over at Colin, Kyle, and Dave's house. So there you go). I sat next to allison, and we had to do something similar to "Rose and Thorn", and I guess at one point I was Allison's Rose, so when I went to talk to Cory (I know about half of them from the fridays spent over at Colin's house last year), he told me that most of APO knew what was going on...so much for anonymity. Meh.

6 more days.
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