I think I hurt someone. I feel bad. I don't deserve her friendship. I feel bad.
I got stood up tonight. I must be recieving karma for the above mentioned bad deed. Andy stood me up at the break tonight for comedy night. I wanted to kick and scream and throw things. I think this is God's way of telling me that I shouldn't hang out with him any more and let him get on with his life. Because this sure isn't working out. And what am I getting out of it? A wanting for his body with no satisfaction? Yeah, exactly. A pseudo-boyfriend who doesn't even think of me like that. And he is supposed to take me home for spring break. yeah, we will see about that.
I have been thinking a lot about things lately. I have been thinking a lot about perception. Things that I percieve as wonderful and the truth. Is there such thing as absolute truth? Because everyone percieves things differently. Which means that the world is inevitably going to have differences in opinion, and the only way to settle things on a global scale is to agree to disaggree. I am not condoning war in any way shape or form. I am just saying that noone will ever agree, because there is no absolute truth, and therefor, the events are different in everyone else's eyes, and thoughts, and so there can never be one right and all-powerful answer. Only the ones with the biggest and baddest weapons can instill their "truths" on others.
This principal is also applied to religion. I can't stand those who try to force their religion on others. That is my major problem with Mormons. To stay mormonized, one must go on his or her mission, a two year post to assimilate others into his/her religion. More like borg than mormons. And noone knows the absolute truth. Perhaps those who die do, but they don't come back, unless you believe in reincarnation. And those who oppose other religions, they are only decieving thier own religion's prime rule, for in 90% of all know religions, the primary rule is something to that of our own "golden rule." Which makes me wonder why you would hate someone of another religion soo much and want to be hated so much in return. Or try to assimilate others into your religion. Would you really want to be forced into another religion yourself? Karma sure is a bitch.
Contrary to popular belief and the thoughts posed above, I am in love with life right now. I took the best and most surreal bike ride yesterday. And I went to PC market today. I love life, and everything about it. I have been talking a lot to god lately, or my higher power, my angel, whatever you want to call it. Even though I consider myself a very spiritual person, I can't consider myself religious. I don't know. I know this sounds crazy, and trust me, I don't think I would be motivated to convert anyone anyway, so I will keep my god to myself. ANYWAY! totally off the subject. I don't care what people think of me, so I am just gonna say it anyway. Like I started, i have been talking to god a lot lately. Or robert. Not quite sure. anyone in my subconcious that will listen right now. I have been thinking a lot, being very nostalgic, and doing a lot of closure. I am glad that I got a lovely card from Rob's mother, it is crazy that I am in eugene after all that she mentioned. Or maybe it isn't. I can't base every aspect of my life on one person, but I know that he is watching me from somehwere.
I have been praying a lot about my journey in college, I am not quite sure what I am supposed to be doing. My mom thinks I would be "an exceptional" lawyer, but at the same time, I am not so sure that I want to be a teacher anymore. But doing law just seems that I would be giving into the system. So, I guess i have to stew on it some more. I have thought a lot about forgiveness and what it means, and who I should forgive. Sorry my thoughts are all over the place, I want to get them all out before they leave my head. okay, enough crazy thoughts for one night. out like a trout.