amelia (mmmbopthis) wrote,
amelia
mmmbopthis

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I think this is most definately going to be the most depressing entry ever. And I am soooo not near my period.

Everything just sucks right now. I feel like such a horrible person. Not anything drastic today, just in general. I mean, I was sucking hard core at guard tonight, and then at the end, when I was feeling sorry for myself, I was just putting on my socks and thinking about crying and wishing I had booze. Roger's Emily on the other hand, little miss perfect, who is tiny, cute, fun...everything I am not, or at least don't feel like, was all, "hey, can you help?" She hates guard and thinks it is just as hard as I do, yet she was helping...it shows how selfish I am. How I don't deserve the luxuries I throw away. Like the fucking english assignment that I just remembered.

I mean, there are sooo many more people who deserve to live more than I do. Like Robert. I miss him sooo much. I still am amazed that five years later, someone influences my life when I only met him in person once (we were pen pals and phone pals for almost three years). He was wonderful, selfless, everything it seems that i am not at the moment. And i feel like I am squandering everything I have.

And my friends...I have noone here. Logan and Naima have eachother, and while i love Naima to death, I seriously think Logan hates me. She thinks the world should bow down to her or something. Okay, so I have just as much a problem with her as she does with me, but I feel bad for feeling the way that I do, but i can't help it. I am sick of being walked all over...I just have no one here. Roger has his friends, Logan and Naima, and i have noone. No one who knows me better than I know myself. No one who I have to lean on when things get rough. Like I said, I have my normal friends here, and they are wonderful, i just feel like such a burden when I lay all my problems out. And it doesn't help that Logan always calls me a whiner and never has anything good to say to me anymore. I wish her and i could just be friends. I am not going to pay her to be my friend.
Why does logan hate me so much?
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